Just like riding a bike

Although I haven't ridden a bike in, say, 10 years, it did come back to me rather quickly when I hopped on this weekend. However, both bikes and I have have changed significantly since I was last a regular rider. My old 10-speed was red, and cool, and had the racing handlebars and a bunch of gears I never used. I really only wanted the different speeds so I could peddle backwards and make that ticky-ticky noise. Mountain bikes don't have racing handlebars, and J.R. insisted that I actually use the gears this time, which I really didn't want to do. I had to pull over so he could show me how to use them. I also don't remember my ass hurting this much -- I used to ride all over Fairborn when I was a kid, and I have no memory of this kind of pain. J.R. had all kinds of theories from seat height to frame something, but I think I just need a smaller ass. Anyone know where I can get one of those?